i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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