I'm gonna have a badass scar
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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