make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
