i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
