Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
