I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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