My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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