I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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