Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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