Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I could fuck to npr.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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