I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We left an ass print on the piano.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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