Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Someone shattered a urinal.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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