The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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