In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
