I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
