My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
