The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
