Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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