Pregnant stripper...not hot.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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