I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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