if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
