the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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