i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
