Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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