I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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