failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
