i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Come on in and take your pants off
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