I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
