im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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