Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
