there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
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every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We have so much sex to catch up on
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it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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