i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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