You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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