You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
