i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
