You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
