dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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