why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
