Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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