I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
