im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
