I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
