I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
