i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
