Welp...herpes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
