Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
