If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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