Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You ate ashes out of my bong
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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