i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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