I hate all girls vehemently.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
