That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
