you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
