I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
