i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
they need to just BURY HIM!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
