he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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