does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
