i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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